There’s a classic line I often say to young people after we’ve spent time unpacking the consent component of our program:
“While consent is essential, it’s not the whole story.”
Sex is a big decision. It is a decision that holds consequences. It is an experience that impacts a person physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
I’ve spent countless moments sitting beside heartbroken young people who have been cheated on by a partner. “But they said they loved me.”
I’ve stood beside young people who have found themselves feeling empty and lost after a hookup they thought was purely physical. “Why does it hurt me so much that they won’t respond to my texts?”
I’ve listened as young people have tried to externally process complicated feelings after making a big decision in the moment. “If it felt so right at the time…why don’t I feel that way now?”
It is important to acknowledge that these young people had followed consent’s expectations.
- Consent had been given freely, without force or pressure.
- Consent had been given soundly, with both people in their right frame of mind.
- Consent had been given enthusiastically, with both parties wanting and willing.
- Both parties were over the age of consent.
Yet somehow, the outcome of their consensual decision was one of pain, and people walked away feeling wronged.
Something is missing from the current consent conversation.
If we continue to think that the significant challenges young people are facing can be solved with consent education alone, then we are selling a generation of young people short.
It is imperative that we include sexual ethics in the conversation.
Too many young people carry the burden of guilt, shame, or regret from consensual experiences. These feelings often stem from a disconnect between their actions and their deeper values.
As we educate our young people on Respectful Relationships, there must be an understanding that consent is the bottom rung of the ladder.
For example, I often say, “It’s not against the law to accept a sexual favour from someone that you don’t care about and have no respect for. But what kind of person does this make you, and what kind of morals and ethics would you be living by?”
To help build a healthier sexual ethic, here are five critical questions young people should consider:
- Are my intentions right?
- Could this decision have negative consequences emotionally, physically, psychologically, or spiritually for myself or the other person?
- Is this safe (for both myself and the other person)?
- Does this align with my values and beliefs, as well as theirs?
- Does this decision demonstrate the love, respect, and honor that every individual deserves?
Consent is non-negotiable and foundational and we still have significant work to do in ensuring young people receive effective consent education. However, without incorporating a discussion around sexual ethics and morality, we risk leaving out a vital component of this conversation.
It’s time we elevate the dialogue and encourage this generation to think beyond mere consent and consider the deeper ethical implications of their sexual choices. Only then can they be truly equipped to make decisions that honor themselves and others.
